What the Hell Happened?
A year ago today, where were you? What was your life like? Are things better now or are they worse? What the hell happened? Seriously...
I started this blog because one year ago in September something happened that completely altered my world. It broke me beyond any pain or loss I have ever endured.
I'm here to share my story. Finally.
My name is Vanessa and I'm a mother to 3 beautiful children that own my every heartbeat. They have taught me so much about life, loss, grief, laughter, imagination and love. Oh yes, LOVE. A love so profound that words can't describe it. Of all the things that I've done in my life, giving birth to my 3 children is what I'm most proud of and thankful for. But nothing in this world could have prepared me for the devastating, heart wrenching pain that you feel when you lose a child. Not just one child, but two.
What the hell happened? This is NOT suppose to be my life. This is NOT what I signed up for. It's NOT fair.
September. When will you end? Through the years it has always been September.
As I sit here writing this first blog entry it occurred to me that I was sitting in this exact same spot, exactly one year ago in September. I'm visiting Ouray, Colorado - a place so magical and crisp with dancing fall leaves that swirl around in your mind like memories. You see, last year during this time my world, my life, my everything was forever altered. Forever changed. Being a professional escape artist from reality via traveling, I had found this hidden, little hotel nestled by soaring mountain tops and a nearby river. The Ouray Inn. It swallowed me up and hugged my heart that was barely hanging on.
One year ago in September. Has it really been a year? What the hell happened?
Last year I was in this same location watching the rushing river push by me as though I didn't even exist. My husband's arms around me assuring me that he was my rock and he wouldn't let my pain wash me away. But nothing he said, nothing anyone said mattered. My life was NOT suppose be like this. Do you understand God?!! I screamed, "Why is THIS happening?"
Going back in my mind to that moment as I stand here one year later, I'm reminded that I'm still standing. With the sun shining on my face and my now little o'hana (family) close by my side - I whisper, "Thank you, God. I'm still here."
I dedicate this blog to every hurting parent that has endured loss on various levels. I dedicate this blog to those of you that need to be inspired to keep standing even when you feel like giving in to the rushing river. I dedicate this to my children whom own my whole heart and my husband who loves me and stands by me through it all.
So, what happened in September? Multiple Septembers actually. What the hell happened? Well, it is my hope that you will follow my blog and be inspired by this beautifully tragic thing called, LIFE. There is a lot I want to share with you. No, not all of it is sad. (I know some of you were thinking that!) My family and I love to travel and I'm excited to share those beautiful adventures and stories of people we've met along the way.
Look, this is how I see life. Yesterday has already been and gone - and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. It can't be fixed. Tomorrow is NOT a promise - it may never come. All that you truly own is THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW. It's ALL you own. So, what are you going to do with it? First I suggest you subscribe to my blog, *wink*. Second, go hug your child, or your spouse or a friend - because it could be the last time. It happened to me twice. ....in September.
