I Miss You
Being ripped away from someone you love with your entire being is probably the most tragic thing I have ever experienced during my journey in this life. Oh, and not just "someone" but two of my children.
I have been sitting here staring at my laptop for over an hour. The curser blinking at me, waiting for me to say something. Type something that makes sense already!! But how do you make sense out of taking a child off life support? How do you make sense out of your teenage son walking out of your life without warning or reason? How I am suppose to tell the curser on my computer to put all of that into words?
I'm trying.
It's too much to blurt out all at once. I guess the best way to start is to say, I miss you.
Nothing and I mean NOTHING can prepare your heart for losing a child. Whether it be from an illness, a complicated pregnancy, a tragic accident or just from their own sheer will to walk out of your life on their own accord. Why didn't somebody prepare me for this? Why wasn't I warned that my heart and soul could be forever scarred from these beautiful, little human beings that heard my heartbeat from the inside of me?
My daughter was taken off life support and died in my arms on September 4th. My teenage son walked out of my life on September 10th. These events were years apart, but both left me in September. Get it now? When September Ends.
So, now it's just myself, my husband and our beyond amazing daughter Ashlyn-Grace. I'm a big Disney nerd and my favorite character is Stitch from Lilo and Stitch. Now that we are only 3, I am often reminded of this quote from the movie. "This is my family. I found it all on my own. It is little. ...and broken. But good. Yeah, still good." ~Stitch
There is so much to share with you about my journey. As I navigate my way through these first few blogs, I will eventually find my rhythm in sharing my story with you. I have to. That damn computer curser keeps blinking and taunting me. Reminding me that I am writer and I have always been a writer. I'm just a little rusty. Stick with me though, It will be worth it.
I have spent the past year running from my pain. Running from my past. Trying to escape the reality of what my life had become after experiencing so much grief. When I say running from my pain, I mean that in the sense that our little o'hana became nomads. We traveled over 200 days out of the past year. Yes. For real!
Guess what? You can't outrun your pain or your past. My children's faces were everywhere I was. Right inside my heart. They were running with me. I was too numb from pain to see it.
However, I did meet some of the most amazing people and see beautiful places that inspired me to keep breathing. ...and it changed me. It woke me up to life again! I can't wait to share these stories with you!
Until then, I miss you. I miss you my beautiful daughter, Christa. I miss you my handsome and talented son, Noah. I love you both so much. ...and to you, Noah - I will ALWAYS be here waiting. My love for you will never die. I'm your "mummsy" as you use to call me. ...and I forever will be.
The day you return will be When September Ends.
I miss you...