You Can't Take Disneyland From Me

Some of my friends didn't understand. They didn't understand why I was experiencing such a tremendous amount of grief after my 16 year old son cut ties with me. So many people said, "Oh, he'll be back - just give him time." Others said, "I remember that age and I was a jerk to my mom too back then - but after a few years I finally called her." A few years? Really????

Well, I am here to tell you that as a mother it is NOT that easy! It hurts. It breaks you. It haunts you daily. The hardest part has been not knowing WHY he left. I don't even have an explanation. When my daughter died, I knew WHY she was leaving my life. I knew it was NOT her choice. But with my son, I had no answers. I still don't have answers.

It is the strangest feeling knowing that my son is out there, living his life and I'm no longer a part of it. This is his Senior year of High School and even stranger he is attending the same school I graduated from. I'm a photographer and he use to say he always wanted ME to be the one to do his Senior pictures. Well, obviously that didn't happen. He has been missing from my life for a year now and I don't even know if he cares I'm still alive and breathing.

This past year nearly killed me. It's the truth. There were days I could not physically get out of bed. I refused to eat. I became lifeless and slept all day. When I was awake I cried. I prayed and sobbed and shouted at God. How in the hell did THIS happen? ...and WHY? I still don't know the why!

Ever since our family became only three, we have been traveling non stop. Mostly because of me. I've been trying to outrun the pain and the past. Sitting at home, alone with my thoughts brought me to dark places My answer was to travel. Flee from the haunting photographs of my children hanging on the walls. Run from memories of laughter in the hallways and snuggle time on the couch. All of which were ghosts to me. Haunting me. Never letting me go - unless I wasn't there to be reminded.

I have always had a love of travel, but grief pulled me in to places that I never thought I would visit. Grief introduced me to so many new people, some of which I now call friends. Grief isn't always an enemy. Sometimes it's a silent whisper leading us to a new beginning.

We traveled from June 2015 until just a week ago, with very few breaks in-between at home. The non-stop traveling began when my 16 year old son announced he wanted to move to another state and live with his biological father. Traveling helped to keep my mind distracted, and my heart still pumping.

The last trip I took with my son was to Disneyland. It was just after he moved away in July of 2015. Our family has Annual Passes and it has been a long time tradition for all of us. Disney is very much a part of our family and I'm sure he misses our visits there. He use to say to me, "Mummsy! I have this urge to ride Pirates right NOW!" Sigh. I miss that. I miss him.

We traveled to California multiple times a year just to visit Disneyland. My daughter, Ashlyn had her first visit there when she was three months old! Wow. A lifetime of Disney. That's pretty amazing! We always stay and continue to stay at the Hyatt Regency Orange County. They are our extended o'hana. They have watched our children grow up - literally. This Hyatt property is a special place for us. ...and it always will be.

When we returned for a visit in October last year, the staff at the Hyatt automatically recognized we were missing our son. ...and so the explaining began. The story that I would now tell over and over and over to dozens of people. But - I couldn't answer their question about WHY my son shut us out. It's still a mystery.

The countless hugs and encouraging words from the Hyatt staff meant everything to me. It truly felt like family gathered around us. My son didn't just leave me and our little o'hana - but he left everyone else that loved him too. I wonder if he ever thinks about that?

We are preparing for our annual October trip to Disneyland once again. Mickey's Halloween Party has been a forever tradition in our family. As I type this, I'm breathing deep. Another year without my son. Another tradition without him there. I wonder if he's reminded of us this time of year. I wonder if he is having urges to ride Pirates or Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Does he think of me? Does he realize that this is September and an entire year has passed since he last hugged me? What the hell does he think about?

Countless letters and packages have been sent to him. I am always reaching out, but never receive anything in return. It hurts. He changed his cell phone number and his biological father refuses to communicate with me. It has been the hardest thing I've been through since taking my daughter off life support. But, it has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Yeah, I just said that. This experience has transformed me over the past year. Through all the tears, pain, sleepless nights - God has used it to change me. Crazy, huh?

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

My closest friends, my husband and daughter are finally sighing from relief. They have seen me so beaten down throughout this journey. ...and my sweet friends at the Hyatt O.C. - they have seen it too and even cried with me. There is this amazing element in life that never ceases to amaze me - and it's simple. It's love. As long as you have love in your heart - as long as someone loves you - you are going to be okay. You WILL survive. You might not have the answers to your pain, but you WILL survive.

Somewhere down the road I will find the answers, but until then there's this magical place called Disneyland. ...and I'm not going to allow my pain to rob me of it. We will be returning in two weeks to continue our Mickey's Halloween Party tradition. I will think of my son while I'm there, smile at the memories - instead of run. I will create new memories with my beautiful daughter and hubby. Life doesn't stop because someone leaves. It took me an entire year to figure that out. Yes, it truly did. There's a story about how I recently "woke up" and I can't wait to share it with you! It's a story that has everyone I know still scratching their heads. But hey, God works in the strangest ways!

Thank you, September.

Ashlyn with her brother - Disneyland 2010