Learning to be Happy Without You
I lost an entire year of my life. 365 days that I will never get back again. Ever.
An entire year spent lamenting over every single detail of the past 16 years of my son's life. 365 days of crying multiple times a day, several of them I could not even emerge from bed. A friend recently sent me this quote and I do believe it pretty well sums it all up.
"The trouble with trying to mourn loss when death isn't involved is that there is no body, no funeral, and no public shoulder to cry on. There is no traditional, socially sanctioned outlet for mourning when the loss isn't death. Trying to mourn loss when death is not involved is a lonely hell, with vague beginnings and endings defined more often by the intangible dimensions of lost and found hope than by perimeters of the crisis itself." ~H. Norman Wright
And that was just it. I spent an entire year in an endless stretch of fog on a crooked road leading nowhere. I was lost. I was lifeless. My friends that have known me since my daughter passed away commented to me that I was grieving more over my child that still lived than the one that passed. ...and it was true.
I also had friends tell me to just give my son time and that he would be back soon. I still loathe it when people say that to me. It's so easy for others to brush it off as some sort of teenage protest against their mother. But it's way more than that. Don't say that to people. Just don't.
For the parent that is experiencing grief relating to a child that still lives, it is such an utterly painful journey. My daughter that passed away didn't choose to leave my life. She was very sick. However, my son - the boy who owns a part of my heart forever - chose to leave my world. That hurts. It hurts worse than losing my daughter.
I understand my friends meant well when they assured me he would one day waltz back into my life, but for me the question remains - when? How long will that be? What if something happens to me before he decides to speak to me again? What if something happens to him before then and I never get to hug him again? Tomorrow is not a promise. Time is not our friend. All we have is this moment right now. Please God, put it in his heart to reach out to me.
If you read my previous blog, you know that I have come back to life again. I am no longer on that strange journey leading to nowhere. My best friend told me last week, "It's so GOOD to have you BACK again." I sighed. Wow. I truly WAS gone. I lost an entire year of my life. ...and although I still have days that I cry and hold his teddy bear - I am learning to be happy again. I am learning to breathe and laugh again. It feels good to LIVE again.
I almost feel guilty for reclaiming my life. It's a strange feeling to process. Of course I'm NOT happy my son is gone. ...but how many more days do I allow his actions steal from my life? How many more days should I surrender to him? This past year he took me away from my husband, my daughter, my friends and everyone I love. I sacrificed precious time which is such a gift. So, yeah - It's GOOD to be BACK again.
I would be remiss if I didn't share with you EXACTLY how life was breathed back into me. It certainly was not from my own doing. You see, I believe in God. I have been praying every single day for my son, but I never prayed for me. ...and just as I said in my previous blog - I was driving home from Colorado and there it was. Just me, my tears, K-Love radio station and God.
This song came on called, "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott. I started to cry and pray. I haven't prayed that deeply since my daughter passed. You see, I had forgotten that God can't take away your pain or lessen your grief unless you fully surrender it to him. Not just the little bits and pieces, but the big, ugly, nasty parts as well. I just completely, 100% surrendered. ...and cried so many tears. We recently visited California and took a little boat tour in Newport Beach. When we reached the wide opening to the ocean, there was a large buoy - with sea lions flopped on it. The buoy was moving with the waves, while the sea lions laid lifeless in the sun, unaware that we were all snapping pictures. I thought to myself, that looks like where I've been this past year. Rocking in the restless waves, lifeless, unaware of the people around me. But not anymore. As I sat beside my family, I smiled. My daughter had her Mommy BACK. My husband had his wife BACK.
God released the chains that were holding me in a dark circle of never-ending, heart crushing pain. Just like that. He took it from me and made me new again. God is good. Again, I still have my sad days. There are places that my family visits and we all miss him. It's not the same without him. ...but life can't stand still just because someone is no longer here. Life keeps moving with or without you. I regret losing a year of my life, but I did learn something very powerful. If we surrender whatever it is in our lives that is holding us back, hurting us, preventing us from fully living - all you have to do is surrender. Thy will be done. Lyrics to the song, "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott I'm so confused I know I heard you loud and clear So, I followed through Somehow I ended up here I don't wanna think I may never understand That my broken heart is a part of your plan When I try to pray All I've got is hurt and these four words Thy will be done I know you're good But this don't feel good right now And I know you think Of things I could never think about It's hard to count it all joy Distracted by the noise Just trying to make sense Of all your promises Sometimes I gotta stop Remember that you're God And I am not So, Thy will be done I know you see me I know you hear me, Lord Your plans are for me Goodness you have in store I know you hear me I know you see me, Lord Your plans are for me Good news you have in store So, thy will be done
