Pictures of You
Some of you may remember the song from 1989 written by The Cure called, "Pictures of You." The lyrics begin: "I've been looking so long at these pictures of you That I almost believe that they're real I've been living so long with my pictures of you That I almost believe that the pictures Are all I can feel" This is the one thing I can't seem to sort out. The one thing that my grief has confused me about. All the pictures of my son that left and my daughter that passed away. Pictures hanging in the hallway and sitting on tables - all of them reminding me of love and loss. What do I do with them? Some days I want to box them all up. Some days it hurts too much to look at them.
Oh, and Facebook doesn't make it any easier. Nope. You know that little option you can click on the left side of Facebook that says, "On This Day?" It shows you everything you posted today a year ago, 3 years ago, 7 years ago. You get the idea. It has become a bad habit every morning to click on that thing.
Every morning I look at my past. Pictures of me and my friends. Pictures of our family. Reminders of all the hugs, smiles, celebrations, vacations that we had together. Also a reminder of what I no longer have. Just echoes from my past, pulling on my heart. My photographs are probably my most treasured material thing on earth. When my computer has issues, I am only concerned with saving the pictures. I guess because sometimes all we have left of someone we love is a photograph. Memories are important, but a picture brings that moment back oh so vividly . You suddenly remember the laughter of your child as they blew out their birthday candles or took their first steps. A flood of emotion remembering that kiss on your wedding day or a picture of your Grandmother holding you as an infant ...or feeling the pain of that last photograph you ever took of them before they left your world.
My son. The last picture I took of him was taken 2 days before he left. Sometimes I try and look at his eyes to figure out WHAT he was thinking or feeling. I would share the photo with you, but I am doing my best to hide his identity and only post much younger photographs in order to do so. But that last picture of him. It breaks my heart. The song continues: "There was nothing in the world That I ever wanted more Than to never feel the breaking apart All my pictures of you" ~The Cure I love The Cure and that beautiful song, but I have to disagree. Do not break apart your pictures from the past! Don't do it.
So, what do you do with these pictures? What is the answer to that? Well, I've decided to leave them where they are. My son is still a part of our o'hana and always will be. Even if he never speaks to us again, he will ALWAYS be a part of our lives in some way. As for my daughter that passed, her photos serve to remind me that tomorrow is NOT a promise to any of us. She reminds me that all we have is this moment right now. Pictures are puzzle pieces to who you are. They are like a page in a novel about your life. Every photograph is a story about you and that person that changed you, loved you, shared laughter with you and probably at some point shared tears with you too. They are more than just pictures, they are a story. ...and one day when you no longer walk this earth, your story will continue through the pictures of you. To my son, whom one day may read this. I love my pictures of you.
Picture of my son - taken in Kauai, Hawaii 2012