Preparing Your Heart for the Holidays
Last night I dreamed my son came back home. He was hugging me and saying he loved me. I could actually FEEL him hugging me in my dream. I didn't want to wake up.
As I move through this chapter of loss in my life and find new strengths and God's grace, I still always wonder when my son will return to my world. It is forever in the back of my mind. Every time my phone rings or I get a text message - my heart flutters. ...but it's never him.
The holidays are creeping up and so are the emotions. This Thanksgiving and Christmas will mark 2 years without him a part of it. We have kept a few traditions alive however. My daughter enjoys the handmade Advent Calendar I make each December. Small paper bags hanging on string by a wooden clip - stuffed with little gifts. One for each day until Christmas morning. My son loved this tradition and it pains me not to be able to share it with him. I wonder if he misses it?
I'm nervous. I'm nervous that the pain and depression God delivered me from will return in the coming weeks. The holidays are hard on a grieving heart, no matter how much time has passed. My goal is to stay busy and focus on my beautiful daughter that very much deserves a fantastic holiday season.
Me and my little o'hana started creating new traditions last year. It's no secret that we are big Disney fans! Last December we went to Disneyland to see it decorated for Christmas! It was our first time seeing Disneyland all lit up with Christmas lights and holiday cheer. It was beautiful and magical and oh my gosh! We absolutely loved it! ...and yes! We are returning this year too!
Life goes on with or without someone you miss. I'm dreaming about my son often these days and it probably has something to do with the holidays. Oh, and that my heart still has a painful void from missing him. However, I need something to look forward to. Our little o'hana needs these new traditions. They keep our hearts beating and full of hope.
So, if you heart is hurting this time of year - maybe it's time to take that trip you've been putting off. Maybe it's time to visit a loved one that you haven't seen in a long time. Or perhaps finding a place to volunteer would be helpful. Bringing smiles to others that have no one. Don't sit at home in tears, wasting a day that God blessed you with. It's time to get busy! It's time to stay busy! For me, the alternative reminds me of that dark, scary road I was on for over a year. ...and trust me when I say, you do NOT want to walk that road. It literally nearly killed me.
...but I do have a Christmas wish this year. I want the dreams about my son to come true. Specifically the one where he's hugging me really tight and tells me he loves me.
That's all I want for Christmas.
