On This Day
I have been running from the words that I want to share with all of you. I've been absent from my blog and holding in a multitude of emotions. It's not that I didn't want to write, it's that I've been afraid to get in touch with those feelings again. Sometimes it's easier to go about the routine of life than face what needs to be said. ...and then it happened this morning. I checked my Facebook and there it was reminding me what today was. Facebook has a feature called, "On This Day." I always click on it to be reminded of happier times in the past when I posted pictures of my family and friends, but sometimes it reminds you of things you did NOT want to remember. For example what happened one year ago today on April 21st, 2016.
I'm not going to go into very many details about today's anniversary, but I will tell you this - I had not cried that hard since taking my daughter off life support. It was the truly the second worst day of my entire life. It was the day my o'hana legally became smaller and I legally gave my son everything he requested. He no longer wanted me to be a part of his life and he wanted it in writing.
It wasn't something I took lightly, and it very nearly quite literally stopped my heart. He was almost 17 though and there wasn't much I could do to fight his wishes. My biggest concern was that if I did, it would drive him further away from me. So, after much prayer and fully surrendering it to God - I let him go. On April 21st, 2016 I signed the papers that gave my son total freedom from me. On April 21st, 2016 I cried so hard that I lost my breath. A mother once again letting go of a child she loved so much - and there was NOTHING I could do to stop it. I fell to the floor and my broken heart made a roaring sound. Nobody could have prepared me for that emotion. It was raw, yet familiar. Flashes from the past of losing my daughter and then sinking in the new reality that my son was gone now too. One year ago today I wrote this on my Facebook timeline alongside a photograph of myself with my son on his first day of school. My post read: "Dear son, Today I gave you everything you wanted and asked for. I signed the papers. You're now officially free of me, your sister & step-father. It was the hardest thing I've done since taking Christa off life support. After the papers were signed I cried so hard it sounded like a tribal scream from the deepest depths of my soul. I love you more than your almost 17 year old mind/heart can comprehend. I loved you before I ever saw your face. I've known you 9 months longer ...than anyone else on this Earth. Without you as an active part of my life I feel a void where you once were. Soar free, Noah. Go find yourself. Find balance, God, love, truth, pain, conflict, success and grow from it; but most of all find yourself. I will ALWAYS be here waiting with open arms. Not a day will go by that I don't think about you, pray for you, and wonder how you're doing. I love you, sunshine. Your sister loves you. Your step-father loves you. My friends even love you! We will always be your O'HANA. A piece of paper can never change that. Love forever, Mummsy" The tears came flooding back after reading that post and after a morning of tears I found myself at my laptop - motivated to write again. I have met so many other parents who have gone through the same pain. I have heard heart wrenching stories about children who never returned, children that waited 10 years or longer and even more sad - stories from people who wanted to make amends with their parents, but they passed away before they had the chance. I can't help but wonder which narrative I will fall under. I pray to God my son contacts me sooner than later. It has been one year since I signed those papers and I'm still here. I honestly didn't think I would survive. God, my family and friends have sustained me. God's plans are bigger than ours and daily I remind myself of that. I was scrolling through pictures on my phone shortly after my crying session this morning. I accidentally clicked on one and it opened. It was a picture with a Bible verse. It was a God moment. He was speaking directly to me. The verse says, " A little one shall become a thousand, and a small one a strong nation; I, the Lord, will hasten it in his time.” Isaiah 60:22 Basically saying, "When the time is right, I, the lord will make it happen." I'm going to hold onto that verse for a while. Until then, memories will continue to confront me from various directions. Going forward I will try to choose the happy memories with my son and hold onto hope that one day he will contact me. If you are a grieving parent with a similar story, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for reading my little blog and I pray that my words somehow touch your heart and remind you not to give up. Deep down our children that leave our lives surely know how much we love and miss them. Eventually that love will awaken inside them again and they will remember the parent they left behind. Until then, Aloha 'Oe. Until we meet again. I love you my sunshine. Forever.
My son in Kauai, Hawaii in 2011.