How Do You Want Me To Feel?
In a few days my son will be turning 18 and two weeks after he will be graduating High School. I wonder how he wants me to feel about this? I wonder if he even cares that what I'm feeling is complete and utter brokenness?
I have been literally shut out of his life for 601 days exactly. I have no idea what his study interests are for college, or even if he plans to attend college. I don't know if he attended his Senior Prom on April 21st - which was a significant day to me in case you didn't read the previous blog. I'm clueless about everything now. I won't even know what address to send him letters anymore. How do you want me to feel? Seriously?
It's not easy to process these feelings. I'm sure it hasn't been easy for him either. The choice to walk out of my life, his sister's and Step-Father's life - I at least HOPE it wasn't an easy decision for him. Not only did it effect his life greatly, but it had an enormous impact on me and my little o'hana. So much larger of an impact than his heart or mind can imagine.
Friends still want me to move forward and focus on other things, and to some extent I have. However, I'm finding that the month of May is turning out to be a rabbit hole of raw emotion once again.
May has always been a big month for our family. My son and his sister were born one day apart, 5 years apart. She's turning 13 this year and so badly wanted to celebrate this milestone with her brother. After their birthday we have Mother's day, a few days after is my son's graduation followed by my birthday. Again, how do you want me to feel about this?
The one thing I find consistent with grief is that birthdays, holidays, anniversary dates - they ALL feel the same. It magnifies your pain and reminds you of your loss. Yes, we can celebrate the people we've lost in our lives but that never removes the grief. Not ever. It will stay with us until the day we die.
The past few days I have not been myself. It's as though when I turned the calendar to May a flood of emotion washed over me and my heart broke in new places. Hearts drawn on birthdays, graduation and a broken heart on Mother's Day. Everything is filling up quickly like a broken dam that's about to fully give way. That's exactly how I feel. My broken heart is a dam that is about to flood my entire world.
...but I have to have FAITH that my son one day WILL contact me again and want to rebuild a relationship with me.
Matthew 17:20 "So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."
So, as he moves forward in his life I am left with FAITH. I'm also left with constant prayer for my son and everyone currently in his life. After he graduates I have no idea where his journey will lead him, but I do know one thing for certain - God loves him more than anyone else on this planet. God has a plan for him and I must have faith in His plan.
So, I asked God in my prayers "How do you want me to feel?"
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."
I do believe that is EXACTLY how God wants me to feel.
My son in Estes Park, Colorado. I would give anything to have this day back.