He Graduates High School Today

Today my son is graduating high school. I have lamented over whether or not I should attend. I even sent him a letter asking if he wanted me to attend. No response. I have anguished, cried, and even experienced anxiety about what to do. I was NOT invited, not even by his father.

My husband and I made hotel reservations and plans to attend and then it hit me like a ton of bricks directly on my heart. I will see him on that stage and I will NOT be able to hug him. I will NOT be able to speak to him. It would be like a cruel joke. Standing there in close proximity to him and not being able to engage with him. Would it destroy me? Would it bring me back into that dark place of depression where I couldn't even get out of bed?

My husband and daughter begged me to not attend. My friends (for the most part) cheered me on and told me that I deserve to be there, after all I did raise him until he was 16. I DID volunteer countless hours at his elementary school year after year. I was classroom mom and planned all the holiday parties, I volunteered for math and reading and I attended several field trips. I helped my son with numerous school projects, homework, and the list goes on. Yes, I DO deserve to be there.

However, my husband and daughter have seen the ugliest part of depression. They watched it slowly destroy me after my son shut the door on us. They watched me lay lifeless in bed for days on end, no appetite, no will to do anything. My little o'hana watched me as I began to die on the inside and they have told me their biggest fear is that I will return to that place if I attend his graduation. My best friend agreed with them and also shared her opinion. She did not think it was a good idea AT ALL.

I prayed to God for a sign. I prayed and asked Him where He wants me to be on my son's graduation day. I didn't get the answer I was expecting. God placed it in my heart to go to Disneyland and honor my son at the place our o'hana shared amazing memories.

Taking into consideration that his graduation was 3 days after Mother's Day, I realized I needed to be cautious with my heart. But, if I didn't attend would my son be upset with me? I don't see how that would make much sense, especially since I was NOT invited.

So, today - my son's graduation day - me and my little o'hana are at Disneyland. I will be watching his graduation via live stream on the Internet, followed by riding his favorite ride - Pirates of the Caribbean. I will honor my son all day today while doing the things that remind us most of him.

I honestly don't think I'm strong enough to be there in person today. I don't want to run into people that hate me, and I don't want to collapse in tears as he walks the stage. I don't want to be in the dark abyss of depression again because my daughter and husband need me. I refuse to return to depression. It nearly took my life.

Everyone has an opinion as to whether or not I should be there today. Just remember, you haven't traveled this path with me. You don't know what I survived. My heart is trying to heal and I need to be healthy and whole for my child that still loves me and needs me. I need to take care of myself for my husband that loves me and depends on me. I can't sacrifice my mental health for someone that doesn't even want me there. Hopefully he will one day understand. Although I doubt he will even look for me.

I did send my son a box of graduation cards that I collected from friends and family. I asked everyone a month ago to send him a graduation card to my address. I have collected cards from people that knew him and loved him. I have collected cards from people that have never met him, but got to know him through me and my stories about how awesome he was. Some of the cards contain gifts and all of the cards contain words of love. I pray to God he opens them. I pray he reads each one and is touched by them. My son didn't just leave his little o'hana behind. He left a world of people that loved and cared about him. He closed the door on everyone. However, these people STILL care and wanted to remind him. Please pray with me that he opens this special graduation box of love!

To my son who might be reading this. Please know if you had asked me, I would have been there today - no question! I sent you a letter and asked you what you wanted, but I never received a response - not even from your father. It broke my heart. I am very PROUD of you and all of your accomplishments! I am thinking of you today as you end one chapter and set out to start a new one. I pray that God is in your heart and that you remember His love for you is greater than ANY human love. I pray that you have positive people in your life that you can count on. I also pray that you set off to college AWAY from home so you are FREE to think your own thoughts and grow to be a man. I love you more than you will ever know and I will ALWAYS be here for you if you EVER need ANTHING. Congratulations on your graduation! I'm so very, very proud of you. I love you my sunshine, to the moon and back! Love, Mummsy