Kauai
In two days I will be flying to Kauai, Hawaii with a treasured friend of mine. I haven't been back to that beautiful, magical island in the middle of the sea in four very long years. Kauai has a lot of history with my little o'hana.
My husband and I were married on that island over 14 years ago. It was one the most amazing experiences of my life! The wedding, walking the beach with my true love, kissing under the palm trees while the trade winds blew through my hair. Words cannot properly describe Kauai. Photographs can't accurately depict the depth of beauty that God created when He made Kauai.
My husband and I fell in love with Kauai and we promised ourselves that one day we would live there. ...and we did.
We visited often and took our two children. Our first visit back was for 10 days, our second was for 16 days, our third was for 4 weeks, and it continued to grow until we were staying 2 months or longer. Needless to say, I was Kauai obsessed. It grew and grew until one day we packed up everything, shipped my car, and we moved to Kauai.
Now, this sounds amazing in theory. It sounds like a dream come true, right? Wrong.
I don't know what happened to me once we were officially residents. It wasn't that I missed the mainland or my friends, because I had so many friends on the island already. It wasn't because I had "island fever" or couldn't visit Disneyland. It was because I knew my son really did NOT want to be there. I could FEEL it in my heart. So, we moved back to the mainland.
I don't know if he knows it or not, but I honestly moved back because I felt like I ripped him away from the world he loved. I can never fix that, but we did return and he did get everything he wanted. (Especially the part of me being 100% out of his life.)
I have this strange feeling inside of me knowing that I'm about to return to this island where so many things happened. Memories of my children at the beach on Christmas, my son surfing, waking up early to take sunrise photos, hanging out at the pool, going out for shaved ice, eating at our favorite spots and meeting friends there. Oh, and the memories of crying by myself on the beach - praying to God to tell me what to do with my life.
You see, I moved there to try and escape the pain I live with from PTSD every single day. I thought that maybe if I move far enough away from where all my pain occurred, it would just disappear. I learned the hard way that it doesn't work like that. No matter where you are, your pain is along for the ride. You can't escape it, not even on an island.
So, as I am about embark on this journey without my little o'hana I'm feeling a multitude of things. Memories of my son, memories of happy times, memories of feeling like I had made the worst decision of my life by moving there. I LOVE Kauai and ALL of my friends there, but I just couldn't stay. I couldn't stay knowing my son was not happy.
I will be attending my friend, Renee's wedding while I'm there. My son knew her very well and I have many pictures of them together. I'm sad to not be sharing this day with him. I'm sad he doesn't even know she's getting married. He is missing out on so many things, and I'm missing out on his life. How long will this continue? Another 2 years? Maybe I will never hear from him again. Oh, the thought of that physically hurts.
While I'm in Kauai I plan to pray a lot. I'm going to reflect on my love and passion for Kauai and the reasons I left. I want to make peace with myself. My son blamed me for so many things. Things that were a direct result of having PTSD. He doesn't understand and maybe he never will.
Since he left, I have gotten an emotional support pet that also suffers from PTSD from years of abuse. His name is Hank and we understand each other in so many amazing ways. I will write about him soon, but he travels with me everywhere. Everywhere except Kauai. I will miss him.
In two days I will be back on the island of Kauai for 5 days. Wow. I'm excited but also nervous. I expect to be flooded with emotions I have long forgotten. However, the island is healing if you let it be. I am open to that. I'm ready to let go.
