Chapters in our Family
The past twelve years have been a painfully long chapter with my parents. I want to read a new chapter.
After I confronted my father about a few issues I had with my childhood, I was written off as though I didn't exist. I suppose I should have expected that given that my half brother from my father's previous marriage had also been written off. My father walked away from him when he was 12 and never looked back. I had vague memories of this older boy living with us off and on when I was younger and when I asked about him I was always told he was a foster child.
My father has three children. His oldest a son and then my sister and I. I'm the middle child, but I grew up as the oldest because our brother was left behind. My father always had all kinds of secrets. Things from his past that he made up better stories for. He was rarely honest with us about his past and made up grandiose stories about his childhood and his parents that simply were not true. I can understand that for some the past is difficult to deal with; but to make up an entire storyline to your life and live as though it was true is delusional.
So much happened in my childhood, as it did for MOST people I know. I don't hate my father although some days I feel like I do. ...but for the most part I just feel sorry for him. I pray for him often.
The day I took a stand against him was the day my sister took a stand against me, as well as my mother. I was like the lost duckling without a family and all I had to cling to was my husband and children. It felt so strange to be suddenly isolated from everything I once knew. However, I just couldn't cope with his lies anymore and the way I was treated.
Just days before my high school graduation my father told me that my graduation ceremony was too far away to attend. I had to beg and plead for my parents to attend and in the end they did. Afterwards I was awarded with a hamburger at Bennigan's (a popular chain at the time) while he proceeded to drink beers with my mom. It was such a special moment. (Insert sarcasm here)
My sister dropped out of school when she was 15. Her life has been extra bumpy due to making many bad decisions. Addiction problems and several other adversities followed her. I can't blame her though. Our childhood was strange and not normal.
So, when I finally took a stand I did so full force. I located my half brother and found he was living in San Diego. He has had a very difficult life. He graduated high school not knowing how to read or write. At one point after high school he joined a traveling carnival in hopes he might find me one day. He has slept on streets, had an empty stomach and survived many things that break my heart. All the while his own father is grilling steaks on the barbeque and making up stories about his life to neighbors. My God, Dad. THAT IS YOUR CHILD!
How can you just turn your back on your own child? I just don't get it. Yet, he has now done it twice.
My sister took my parent's side. But I persisted in sending her letters and emails. One day she wrote back and asked to see me.
It was as though time had never stopped. We hugged. We cried a little. ...and as time passed she began asking me questions about our father. No, his parents weren't killed in a war in Canada. His mom died of brain cancer and I am pretty sure his father killed himself. No, he wasn't in the military as long as he tells everyone. It was all a fairytale.
My sister continued her relationship with me, but made it very clear that our father couldn't be made aware of it. She feared he would become so upset that she and her children would be kicked out of his house where she lived. At some point she said she told our mother, but I don't believe her.
My husband and I have helped my sister pay bills, watch her children and more. I love her - she is MY sister and I would do anything for her. One day though, she just kinda flipped out about things in my life that she didn't know about or fully understand. It was all very complicated and there are far too many details to share, besides they are very personal. However, we now have not spoken in two years. I have nephews and nieces that I miss very much as well. I think of them every single day.
What is the point of this blog?
Family is a very complex dynamic. I have not seen or spoken to my parents in 12 years. Now isn't that an oxymoron in context to how this blog started? My son won't speak to me. I haven't spoken to my parents. My father won't speak to his own son, and on and on and on. It's like a family curse that MUST be broken.
I don't hate my parents. I love them very much, especially my mother. I doubt she thinks about me the way I think about my own son. My love for him is so deep and determined and strong. I don't hate my sister, I love her. So WHY is it that we continue to live this life in constant battle against one another? What in the hell is the point in that? Can somebody please tell me? Not all of my childhood was bad. I have some fantastic memories and probably got my spirit for travel and love of road trips from my parents. I know my love of Disney started with them too and I wouldn't be who I am without Disney in my life! I don't know why my father did the things he did or said to people. I don't know what I meant to them, if anything at all. All I know is this...
I don't want to leave this life without all of this being resolved.
If God can forgive us of literally ANYTHING, why do humans think that they can NEVER forgive someone? Explain that one to me!
How can you be so ABOVE God that you feel it is within your right to treat someone the way you do?
I seriously just don't get it anymore. I have never met a perfect person, a perfect parent, a perfect child, etc. What makes you think you are above and beyond God? Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
To my sister, I pray you are well and my beloved nephews and niece are happy and healthy.
To my parents, I love you and I will be sending you a video from myself and my little o'hana soon.
To the father of my son, I pray for you every single day that you will do the right thing and encourage OUR son to contact me. ...and at the very least give me a mailing address for him by August.
To my son, I love you and I will never stop loving you. You know how to find me.
To God, forgive me and all others that need to let go and forgive. Your grace and love overcomes all things.
To anyone out there reading this that has a broken family, please don't give up.
Always remember this:
"O'hana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten." ~Stitch
