The "S" in September Stands for Survivor
There you are again September. Staring at my heart with a cruel agenda to remind me of grief, loss and pain. I don't want to remember that September is on the calendar or that it even exists at all.
This blog entry is going to be short. The beginning of September is like a dark shadow swallowing up the sunshine to eclipse any chance of happiness. It's difficult to write about and as I sit here, tears are rolling down my cheek. I hate you, September.
In three days it will be the anniversary of my daughter's death and in 10 days it will be the anniversary of being erased from my son's life. It's not something you ever get over or fully let go of. It's not possible and the people that say it is haven't shared this journey in their own lives.
September reminds me that nothing in life is guaranteed. Literally nothing. It reminds me that people we love can disappear without a notice and that grieving is the single most painful thing we can experience. It also reminds me that I'm a survivor.
The two year anniversary of being erased from my son's life is days away and I'm still in shock that it happened. I'm still in pain and I cry at least once a day when memories of him flood my heart. It is a miracle that I'm still here - surviving the grief and doing my best to carry on with my life. Maybe the "S" in September stands for Survivor?
It will be twenty years ago on September 4th that my daughter passed away. I miss her more than words could ever describe. My grief for her is different than what I experience for my son. She didn't leave me on purpose. She wasn't erased from my life with the help of her father. ...but my son was and that grief is different. That grief is very complicated and it's a painful place that you never want to experience. Ever. Me and my little o'hana will never be the same without him.
So, here we are. It's September and I'm trying to find a way to survive yet again. The one thing that keeps me going is the hope that one day my son will contact me. Maybe one day I will get to hug him again, hear his laugh and see his smile.
Maybe one day... When September ends.
