Today Sucks.
Today marks the third Thanksgiving I have spent without my son. Today marks three years in a row that an empty chair has sat across from me, staring at me as a constant reminder that he is gone. My heart is heavy.
Since our travels from May through November, I have done much soul searching. Forever seeking a new city, town or experience that didn't remind me of my son. No matter how far I traveled, no matter how far I ran - there he was. In my mind, in my heart and in the present moment wishing he was there with me. You can try and run from pain, but it will find you every single time. I had to learn the hard way - many times over.
Since I started this little blog I have had a few people reach out to me with their own stories. Similar and equally as heartbreaking. Parents that haven't seen their children in years, many without rhyme, reason or any sense at all. It's as though a new culture of raising children has risen and it comes from divorce. Divorce, hatred for the other parent, selfish gain, power and just plain old fashion wanting to be the winner. ...and who suffers in all of this? I might edit this part out, because at this point I am just venting.
No, I'm going with the venting.
I don't really know what I want to say today. If I were to be raw and real I would say that today SUCKS. It sucks because my son isn't here with us. It sucks because I STILL have no answer as to WHY he left. It sucks because I have been eliminated from his life. Most of all it sucks because too many others out there share the same story. How can we put an end to this?
I want to do something about this growing epidemic in our society of divorce with children. I don't know how. I really, really don't.
I recently decided to return to college. I have always been interested in Geology, Seismology and Geophysics. However, if you know me - you KNOW the math alone would kill me. I do believe I'm capable of learning it, but WHAT would I do with it that would be life changing? So, this got me thinking about my passion for preventing what I endured with my son/ex husband from happening to other families. Is there a way?
There are very few books on the subject and most of them are stories based on another's life and what transpired during their journey. Yeah, I could write one of those - but what kind of lasting impact would that have? For me, they just provide a good cry and knowing I'm not alone in this sinking pain that never ends. So, no. I want to HELP PREVENT THIS for others. I want to fully understand what happens that leads to this road. I want to UNDERSTAND ALL THE WHYS.
I truly believe that God did NOT allow me to lose a daughter and a son without a reason. He has a REASON for the road I'm on and I'm not going to shut up about it. The people that don't understand are the ones that haven't lost a child in the SAME situation.
So, as many of you sit across from your children and grandchildren today - picture this... One day they are just gone. One day, out of the blue they just decide that they want no part of you anymore. Or, what if your/their spouse decided to divorce and withhold that child from you. What if - very unexpectedly they were just GONE? Can't or won't ever happen to you? Well, I pray it doesn't because it's the longest road of hell I have EVER been on.
Yes, I'm thankful today for ALL that God has blessed me with. However, today is just ANOTHER reminder of my alive and well missing son and my daughter that passed. Today is just ANOTHER day that goes by with that F**K$#! empty chair across from me. Today sucks.
Hey, go hug your kids if they are there with you. Many of us don't have the chance to hug ALL of our children at once. At least for some of us, today doesn't suck. ...and that gives me hope.
To my son: If you are reading this, please know I love you and miss you with my whole heart. I'm thankful God chose me to be your mummsy for 16 years and I will forever and always be here for you. Love you to the moon and back. Forever. We are O'HANA.
My son's bear (he called it, "Mommy's Bear") on our kitchen table at this very moment. He is with us in our hearts today and every day.