Acceptance
It's been 1, 265 days since my son last spoke to me.
I'm still standing, breathing, living, praying, loving, but my hope is gone. I know God has a plan in this crazy journey I've been on, and it's time now for me to accept it. My son may never come back and my hope and obsession with the situation isn't healthy anymore.
Two weeks ago I was hospitalized due to heart complications. It was scary and it made me realize things I wasn't expecting. I was admitted to the hospital and hooked up to a heart monitor for two days. I had blood work, x-rays and more. My husband reached out to my son's biological father and asked him to let my son know that all of this was going on. ...and no response. It was a wake up call that I was not prepared for on so many levels.
What the hell am I doing?
A few days ago I learned of a Psychologist named, Dr. Joshua Coleman. He wrote a book about the very thing I've been going through. I cried as I read the message board/forum of other grieving parents that long for their children that still live. I'm not alone and as Dr. Coleman states, "This is a silent epidemic that MUST end."
Someone in the message board/forum group stated that after 11 years of silence from her child she finally realized that hope was ruining her life. Hoping for something that will probably never be was harming her ability to be happy and fully live. She said she will still love her child forever and always be open to a homecoming, but it was time to bury the past and push forward. I've tried that. It's not easy.
...but, after 1,265 days - I'm tired, emotionally worn out and now my health is at risk. When I was in the hospital I told my husband my heart was literally broken. I cried and realized that I'm dead to my son. Maybe not forever, but for now I am. My letters, care packages, emails to him don't matter. My attempts at reconnecting is creating false hope and it's not healthy.
I have now accepted he's probably not going to contact me anytime soon or perhaps never again. He's gone. There. I said it. My son is gone.
So, now what? What do I do with myself? I'm considering going back to college in the fall and getting my passport so I can take my daughter to Scotland to see our family castle there. I had a close call two weeks ago and it's time to stop the routine of tears, pain, empty hopes and pleading with God to bring my son back. God knows what He's doing. After all, He loves my son more than anyone ever could. He has a plan and I'm letting go. Time to focus on my health and happiness.
I love my son beyond description and I would move mountains for him if he asked me to. I will ALWAYS be here loving him and praying for him. When and IF he's ever ready my heart is holding a spot for him. Until then though, I have accepted the cards I've been dealt and it's time to go silent.
I love you sunshine. I hope you find what you're looking for out there. Love, Mummsy
